The last few years I have been so faithless, and I don't mean in an apostate sense, as in losing my faith or abandoning faith or rejecting God. I mean more like a spiritual torpor, an emptiness, a vague interior lethargy that leaves me a little lost but mostly just vacant.
I don't feel angry with God, like he purposefully hurt me, more like wounded by God and now I need to protect myself from him. So I make my plans and fill up my days and I get by. I am "doing" way more than "being." I am living outside myself a little too. And living outside God a lot.
And so now, in the midst of all my self-protection and disbelief, we are making another transition, with the stakes just as high and possibly even higher. And I won't allow myself to hope for the best. I have to protect myself against the worst case scenario. I suspend my sense of wonder and excitement and joy and instead I invest in reality and practicality and very serious consequences. I trust in myself, and Mike, and Mindy and credit checks and personal references and good old-fashioned common sense. Because I am so afraid to trust in God, so afraid of the next "lesson," "discipline," "test," or "challenge."
But at the same time, in my own sick way, I feel like maybe God is trying to prove himself to me. Not that he needs to, he is God after all. But maybe because he wants to. Sort of like Gomer and Hosea, maybe he is trying to win back my faithless heart by answering my prayers and giving me what I need. This may all sound like heresy for all I know and maybe it's just me talking myself into having faith again, but this is what I think.
I was asking God for the perfect solutions to all our problems. Aim high, of course, and take the best deal you can. The best solutions to me would be this: Blessing us with a car. Completely cancel the debt we will owe to Jews for Jesus, which is probably going to amount to something like $15,000. Provide us with the cheapest apartment, which also happens to be in the best possible location for us.
Here's how the Lord has seen fit to solve those problems: Blessed us with Mindy's car. Decreased the debt we owed to Jews for Jesus to $6444.80. Withheld from us the perfect apartment in the best possible location. Actually at the moment, not only is that apartment withheld, but we have not found an apartment to replace the perfect apartment.
In an attempt to think about these predicaments in a faith-full way, here is what I have come up with: God could have cancelled the debt entirely if he wanted to. That is the truth. But he didn't. Perhaps it is because he is trying to tell us that he will provide for us even if we have to start out our new life in debt. God could have given us that perfect apartment. But he didn't. Perhaps it is because he is trying to tell us that he will provide for us even if we have to start out our new life in debt, and even have to pay a substantially higher rent than we would have had to with the perfect apartment. Maybe he is just trying to tell us that he loves us and wants us to know that, even though it is killing me to walk through this right now, and is very difficult to choose to believe. I am such a doubting Thomas; Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. I know exactly how he felt. How jaded you can become when you hope and trust, and you lose what you love.
My friend Melissa told me to read Deuteronomy 8, which in the NIV is entitled "Do Not Forget the Lord." Here is one section in particular that stood out to me, verses 6-9:
Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.
That reminds me of my favorite verses in Isaiah where he talks about roots and springs and beauty from ashes. It also reminds me of Psalm 16, which I had memorized a few years ago, when I was feeling especially discontent with my life, and it still remains one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. Here are verses 5-11:
LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Will. Not may, not might, but will. A positive, strong word that denotes action and steadfastness. "I will praise the Lord," "I will not be shaken," "my body also will rest secure," "you will not abandon me to the grave," "nor will you let your Holy One see decay," "you will fill me with joy."
I will choose to believe that. I will let him fill me and love me and provide for me. And maybe in the process, I will be healed.
