I don't even know where to begin. I have 25 minutes left before I have to go home and make dinner for my family. I'm at a library, not able to use one of my fingers due to a dish washing accident yesterday morning, so my typing is somewhat impaired.
Here's what is on my mind: God.
I have been so unfaithful and far away for so long and he insists on loving me and blessing me anyway. And I am trying to receive it all gracefully and gratefully. But I am so ashamed of myself for what C. S. Lewis wrote about in A Grief Observed. I will paraphrase: "It is not that I am in danger of ceasing to believe in God, it is that I will believe terrible things about Him." And I am guilty of that. Namely, I am guilty of believing that He does not love me as much as he says, and that in fact, he prefers most people over me, even when I am having a good day.
The truth is that I have just started seriously praying again in the last month. It is also true that I have just started reading the Bible seriously again in the last month. I used to balk at the advice people would give me about reading and praying, about how it could change you. I really do believe it again. Not just because my circumstances have changed, but because there is deep change in me happening.
I am actually confessing sin, sharing struggles, and praying with other women again. I am going to church regularly and actually enjoying it, looking forward to it. I am involved in a few Bible studies and enjoying them too. I am investing in new friendships in a new city and new church and being amazed every time I turn around that he would give me such amazing people to be a part of my life. I am so undeserving. But I am so thankful.
One strange answer to prayer. Since the miscarriage nearly three years ago, I hardly ever dream. I mean RARELY. I used to have the most vivid, bizarre dreams. Due to the grief I was experiencing, I stopped dreaming. It was like my intuitive subconscious just shut down. Not only was I mostly numb when I was awake, but I was mostly numb when I was asleep too.
Last month, when the Lord started a major work on my heart and I did a ton of confessing and repenting and praying, I asked the Lord to restore my dreams. And he did. In an incredible way. I dream almost every night, sometimes more than once, and I can mostly remember what I was dreaming about. Something in me was healed and released, in a really deep place, and the transformation is just beginning.
1 comment:
hi tammy,
i also read A Year of Pleasures this summer...and I bought two of Elizabeth Berg's other books (Open House and Blessings) which I'm looking forward to starting. I have not read Chocolat, but I have seen it. I'm sure, as always, the written version is better.
Les Mis, Life of Pi and girl meets GOD have been my summer favorites. But I would love to read more of Winner's books (mudhouse sabbath), and i'll look for some of the others you mentioned.
(btw- I'm a teacher, so my rich reading leisure is only for a season).
I am rejoicing with you as you are seeing God's presence in your life more vividly recently. I will pray that He continues to give you healing.
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